We had the perfect relationship, based on mutual trust, respect and support, but now, we only cause her pain. She loved all 640 of us and we loved her. We still do, but most days, she ignores us, and separation is not an option.
When we were small, we climbed trees, rode bikes, ran, swam, danced, roller-skated, ice-skated, jumped on a pogo-stick, and more. Anything she wanted we gave her. As we matured, she called on us for bigger tasks and we squatted, lunged, crunched, lifted knees, pressed weights, completed push-ups, planked, stretched, jump-roped, hula-hooped, kayaked and danced for hours with her. We did not want to be anywhere else and neither did she.
We were always in sync, moving with fluidity and begging for more. Working together, we supported her family. We valued demonstrating proper form and endurance for the participants in her fitness classes. For over two decades, on land and in the water, we contracted, stretched, wiggled, and danced with the music. She did all of this so we would remain healthy and strong. We loved spending time with her and making her happy.
A few years ago, something changed. We did not do it on purpose, but we seized up during a yoga class and she almost fell. I think we were as surprised as she was. After that, she was hesitant and resisted pushing us to our limits, which was helpful because our limits were diminished.
Ever determined, even after the doctor diagnosed her with fibromyalgia, she tried everything to help us feel better. She changed her diet, workouts, and hydration. Plus, she fed us many supplements. We soaked in bubbles and salts, enjoyed massages, took naps, and basked in heat, but nothing worked. We still love her and try to do what she asks, but she only resents us. She does not want us anymore. Yet every morning we wake up thinking, Today is the day! We will do anything she asks and more. We try. We truly do, but nothing works. We are sorry she dropped the razor in the shower again this morning because the flexors could not contract. We feel her frustration when she cannot easily get into and out of a jacket because the left Deltoid has frozen. We feel bad about that too.
After two years of trying to mend our relationship, she gave up.
The stress, sadness and frustration were too much for her. She despised standing in front of her exercise participants and only watching them do the workouts since we could no longer demonstrate or perform most of the movements. So, after two decades of doing what she loved, she changed jobs. It crushed us, but we try to keep good posture while she sits behind a desk wishing she were somewhere else. She switched jobs three times in three years, while we adapted to hours of sitting, but still caused her pain.
We had to find a way to change the way she felt about us and to show her that even though we could not do everything, we could still have fun together if we paced ourselves. It took a few months to encourage her to trust us and we know she still feels abandoned, but she is learning to depend on us again. We have new boundaries, as do most relationships that have gone through a betrayal, and these may change daily, but she does not seem as frustrated with us anymore.
She has the knowledge of how to treat us right and give us the recovery we need. We try to keep her in the moment, so she knows to stop before we experience pain. We started small. Instead of the three to four hours of exercise we used to do each day, she rode a stationary bike for 10 minutes for 10 days, 20 minutes for 20 days and then 30 minutes for 30 days. Some days she was exhausted, and so were we, but overall, most of us felt better and we were thrilled to connect with her again. She increased it to 40 minutes for 40 days and we will continue to take baby steps together and discover our new limits.
Once she reconnected with us, she was empowered to pursue something new. We spent two years helping her obtain her Bachelor of Arts in philosophy and now we help her navigate a new campus as she earns her Master of Arts in philosophy. The new campus is not without challenges and we spent the first semester sleeping in her vehicle for three hours between classes, but her determination continues. We hear she strives for a career that will allow us to spend more time at home, which means more time to care for us. Less stress equals less pain, which we have both figured out.
Fortunately, she has not given up on us anymore. She has found a way to embrace our limitations and work within them. We will exercise every day because it makes us both feel better, but we will also speak up if she is pushing our limits. We still enjoy our daily rubdowns and know she will continue to search to put the spark back in our relationship, but for now, we are both content. She loves us and we would do anything for her.
Lisa M. Wolfe-Gawel is a philosophy master’s student, mother of two, avid hula-hooper, and enjoys life with two non-apparent disabilities. She is the author of six fitness books, two fiction novels and one children’s book. When she is not working, studying, or hooping, Lisa spends time with her family and her pets. Lisa can be reached through her website.
Cover Photo: Marina Muun