You have a diagnosis. You’ve started processing this new reality. You’re becoming an expert in the field of the challenges your child faces. You realize that you cannot do this all alone, and need outside help. It’s time to find a therapist.
So, your child goes through the intake assessment, and you fill out mountains of paperwork, and the day finally arrives: you get to meet your child’s therapist. Whether this meeting occurs in your home, or at an outside location, the first session is very much like a first date. Your child’s therapist (you’ll come to think of the person as your therapist as well, trust me), will be observing and interacting with your child, in order to put together a course of therapy. At the same time, you are watching the therapist, to see if your child responds positively toward that person and if you find that person agreeable.
It’s worth taking a moment here to stress that one of the most important qualities for your child’s therapist to have is their ability to integrate with your family. Not how many letters they have after their name, and certainly not what school they graduated from. In fact, it doesn’t even matter if someone you know personally recommends that therapist. This person is going to become part of your family, and they’d better be able to fit in. This is not to suggest that a therapist’s background and training aren’t important—because a nice person with no training will not be able to effectively help your child reach their full potential—but that these are secondary to how well you and your child can work with this person.
Over the course of therapies for both Tim and Isaac, we discovered that finding the right therapist is a process of trial-and-error. We also discovered that just because one therapist was great for one boy, that same person might not be right for the other.
Which leads me to the uncomfortable part: firing a therapist.
There are lots of nice ways to phrase this, but the reality is, at some point you will likely need to fire your therapist. You will be hesitant to do so, because of any number of reasons. It isn’t easy the first time you have to tell the therapist that you will no longer be working with them. If you are fortunate enough, you won’t have to tell them directly, and can simply inform their employer or agency. You may feel guilt over doing this—after all, therapists typically get paid per client. You need to let that go. In fact, let it go now, so that when you need to fire a therapist, you don’t squirm under useless guilt. Remember, a therapist is your employee, and if they are not meeting your needs or the needs of your child, you should not continue to pay for their services.
We fired our first therapist when Tim was only eleven months old. The person was a physical therapist, and despite having good ideas for exercises for Tim, just couldn’t get him to engage. Tim was very, very clingy when he was young. We had moved to a new state in a new house, and Tim needed all the reassurances he could get. His therapist just didn’t understand that what Tim needed most at that time was comfort, not exercise. We were living in a small town, and therapists had to drive almost an hour to get to us. We felt guilty for firing this therapist, and also worried that we wouldn’t find a replacement with so few available. However, we knew that the therapy wasn’t working, and we decided to take the risk.
It turns out that our risk paid off. The next therapist that we found combined physical therapy and play therapy, a combination that Tim enjoyed immensely. Her name (changed for privacy reasons) was Susan. Susan was also the parent of a child with special needs, and so she was uniquely sensitive to Tim’s needs and to ours as his parents.
We trusted Susan so much that in time, we began using her as a screening tool for other therapists. Because the community was so small, Susan knew almost everyone involved in therapies for children, and could help guide us towards people who would be a good fit.
Susan taught us that advocacy for Tim was our first priority, and that we should never worry about offending someone by parting ways with their services. She taught us that true professionals would understand our decision and would smooth the transition for us. Susan helped us learn to vocalize our wants and needs in regards to therapists, and in so doing, made us better advocates for Tim.
My parting advice on therapists is this: when in doubt, move on to the next person. There IS a right therapist out there for your child, and you will find them, even if it takes some time. Believe me, it’s worth it.
As the proud father of three children, as well as an MFA graduate and published author, John spends most of his time trying to balance the demands of being a writer and a parent all at once. Most of the time, it’s an uphill battle. As the parent of a child with special needs, John tries to use his talent for writing to bring inspiration and hope to his readers.
For more information about John Will you can visit his website at the Writing Dad, Here and Facebook page Here. For resources on children therapists, please visit Psychology Today.
Cover Photo: Evan M. Cohen