It’s late 2020, so in honor of that, I thought we’d play a game of ‘The Worst’ Bingo. Go get your bingo card and a marker. It’s ok, I’ll wait.
You’re back? Ok. Here are the rules. I’m going to list some of the very worst things a person with special needs, or the parent of someone with special needs, can ever hear, and you mark off the ones you’ve heard.
“She looks so normal.”
“He doesn’t act like he has a disability.”
“How devastated were you when you found out?”
“She is doing such a great job, considering… [usually followed by a pregnant pause and sheepish gaze].”
“God only gives special children to special parents.”
“God never gives us more than we can handle.”
“God uses special people to do special things.”
“What’s wrong with him, is he special or something?”
“She can dress herself? She is such a big girl now.”
“What will he do when you are gone? Who will take care of him?”
“Does he need to wear a helmet?”
“[Directed at an individual with special needs] WHAT’S YOUR NAME? CAN I HELP YOU?”
“She is just fine.”
“He can’t ride a bike yet? When my kids were his age, they were riding all over the neighborhood.”
“[To the individual] HERE, LET ME DO THAT FOR YOU.”
“My cousin had [whatever special need the cousin had] and turned out ok.”
Ok, that’s the end of the game. Any winners? Check your cards. Of course there are no winners. If you’ve ever heard any of these, or if you have said any of these things, or if you are just reading them for the first time, you haven’t won.
Recently, I’ve been writing for a company that creates training resources for companies to teach employees how to be inclusive and provide equal access to resources for all individuals. One of the articles that I’ve written (although it isn’t published yet) deals with ways to appropriately speak with someone who has special needs. As I walked through writing that piece, I had to dredge up every comment that my wife and I have ever heard in regard to Tim or Isaac and their needs. I also had to play over and over in my head conversations I’ve had with other parents who have faced similar issues. And I had to think about people that I know with special needs who have actually been told things from the list above.
It made me furious. Absolutely FURIOUS. My blood boiled even writing the intro to this piece. I’ve heard some of these from family members, I’ve heard some from close friends, and I’ve heard some from strangers.
I realize that in many cases the idea of having special needs or caring for someone with special needs can make other people uncomfortable, and they struggle to know how to help when they want to. I understand that from the outside looking in, special needs can seem like a horrible burden to individuals and families.
So.
I’m going to say it loudly for those in the back row, and I hope you’ll pardon the caps. Yes, I know that caps means I’m yelling. Because I am, indeed, yelling.
HAVING SPECIAL NEEDS DOES NOT DEFINE A PERSON. THEIR CHARACTER DOES.
NO, HE DOESN’T NEED YOUR HELP UNLESS HE ASKS.
NO, GOD DOESN’T GIVE ‘SPECIAL’ CHILDREN TO ‘SPECIAL’ PARENTS—CHILDREN ARE BORN AND WE RAISE THEM THE BEST THAT WE CAN.
YOU MAY THINK HE LOOKS NORMAL, BUT HE AND HIS FAMILY STRUGGLE ON A DAILY BASIS TO DO THE THINGS THAT WE OFTEN TAKE FOR GRANTED.
OF COURSE SHE CAN DRESS HERSELF—SHE’S AN ADULT. WHO CARES IF IT TAKES HER LONGER THAN IT TAKES YOU?
I’M GLAD YOUR COUSIN IS DOING WELL, BUT HAVE YOU BEEN SUPPORTIVE? DO YOU TREAT YOUR COUSIN WITH RESPECT AND DIGNITY?
YOUR KID RODE A BIKE BEFORE MINE DID? AWESOME. I’M HAPPY FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILD. BUT DID YOU CELEBRATE LIKE IT WAS WINNING THE SUPERBOWL WHEN IT HAPPENED? WE SURE DID.
NOTHING IS WRONG WITH THEM. NOTHING. THEY ARE MIRACLES. THEY ARE A GIFT FROM GOD. THEY ARE MY CHILDREN AND NOTHING ELSE MATTERS!
IT WASN’T A SAD DAY WHEN WE GOT THE DIAGNOSIS. IT WAS A GREAT DAY BECAUSE WE COULD MAKE A PLAN AND DO BETTER! WE WERE NOT DEVASTATED BY THE NEWS. WE HAVE A CHILD AND THERE IS NOTHING BETTER IN THE WORLD THAN THAT.
Please consider these things the next time you speak to someone with special needs, or with the parent of a child who has special needs. Yes, we need support and kindness, and yes, we can use help from time to time, but let us ask, and don’t assume that life is bad or that we need something ‘fixed’ just because a diagnosis exists.
Please remember, as you deal with individuals with special needs or their families, having special needs does not define anyone—only their character and actions can do that. Treat every human with respect and dignity, because in the end, their humanity and your humanity are the same, and EVERY individual deserves respect and dignity.
Please, watch what you say, because even if you mean it well, it might still be hurtful. And please don’t look past these words and assume I am talking to someone else. If you are reading this, you’ve made these errors before, and I’m speaking to you. I have too, so I’m not claiming any superiority here. I need to do better. Every day. AND SO DO YOU!
Having special needs means that an individual has extra challenges to face on a daily basis. Let’s all agree to stop being part of the problem by making individuals with special needs and their families feel subhuman with our words and START being the solution. Let us speak to EVERYONE with kindness and respect and leave the world just a little bit better than the way it was before we spoke.
Please.
As the proud father of three children, as well as an MFA graduate and published author, John spends most of his time trying to balance the demands of being a writer and a parent all at once. Most of the time, it’s an uphill battle. As the parent of a child with special needs, John tries to use his talent for writing to bring inspiration and hope to his readers.
For more information about John Will you can visit his website at the Writing Dad, Here and Facebook page Here.