“I’m not in a good headspace right now.”
“Why not?”
“I’m worried about Isaac.”
“What now?”
“With the abnormal EEG and maybe needing surgery, I’m just worried.”
“That’s why we are getting the second EEG. And he doesn’t need surgery.”
“I didn’t say I was being logical; I’m just telling you what I’m feeling.”
“I get it. But I just can’t worry about something that maybe we will have to do at some point some day. That’s just too big to carry.”
“I know all that, but I can’t help how I feel.”
“I know you can’t, and that’s ok. We will be ok. He will be ok. I promise.”
“But what if—…?”
“That’s what the neuro is for. When he gets worried, then we can worry. Don’t feel guilty about letting it go for now.”
“How can I not worry?”
“I really don’t know. I just spiral until I’m numb then I don’t have to think about it any more.”
“Spiraling doesn’t help anyone.”
“I know. That’s why I don’t talk about it.”
“So you just kinda—…?”
“Yeah, it’s not healthy. But it works for me.”
“No it doesn’t.”
“No, it doesn’t, you’re right. It’s all I know to do. I just can’t deal with the big stuff until it’s all real. I’m not strong enough.”
“You’ll be fine. You can do this.”
“Wait, didn’t we start with you and your worry? How did we get here? I’m ok for now.”
“Clearly not.”
“No, really, I’m ok.”
“It doesn’t help me if you hide your feelings.”
“I’m not hiding them, I just don’t know how to verbalize them.”
“I get that. I do. But you can’t just not talk about these things. It will eat you up inside.”
“Maybe. But I’m not nearly as scared for Isaac as you are right now. I don’t see surgery as elective. If he needs surgery at some point we will deal with it, but otherwise, for me, worrying while waiting isn’t going to help him.”
“I know it doesn’t help him, but if I don’t worry I feel like I’m letting him down. Like I’m letting the family down.”
“You know that’s not true.”
“Heart and mind—you know they argue.”
“Ok, yeah. Fair point. Even so, you have to just let this one go.”
“How do I ‘just let it go’?”
“No idea. Not my area of expertise.”
“So then, don’t just tell me to let it go. Those are just words.”
“Are they helping?”
“No.”
“Fine.”
“I’m just so sick of waiting. Waiting for results. Waiting for the next test. Waiting for something to go wrong, because it will. Waiting for this to get easier.”
“I’m sick too. It just doesn’t end. But isn’t that the point?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, if we carry it, maybe he won’t have to?”
“Are you saying—…?”
“Yeah. So it’s on us. He can’t carry this one, so we have to.”
“I’ve been carrying this for so long, and I’m just worn out.”
“I know you are. I can see it. But we can do this. Whatever it takes, just like we promised.”
“But what if—…?”
“As long as we have to. As long as it takes. There’s no other option.”
“I know. I just need a break.”
“That’s what this is. We know what he has, and we have steps to take. This is about as much of a break as we’re going to get.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“No, I meant it well. It’s when we don’t know that I really get worried. I hate waiting to find out answers. For me, at least we have those now, so I can relax a little bit.”
“But what about the second EEG?”
“What about it? The neuro said if it comes back atypical, we can start with CBD.”
“I know, and CBD is a good starting point. But I just feel like there is something more I should do. Or could do.”
“What more could you possibly do?”
“Something. Anything.”
“Ok, then how about this? Go outside and play with Isaac.”
“How will that help?”
“You’ve never seen your face when you play with him. Trust me. It will help.”
“Ok, I’ll try.”
“Look, he’s already out there, waiting to have fun. Follow his example.”
“I will.”
“Good, then I’ll make supper.”
“I’ll be waiting.”
“I know you will.”
As the proud father of three children, as well as an MFA graduate and published author, John spends most of his time trying to balance the demands of being a writer and a parent all at once. Most of the time, it’s an uphill battle. As the parent of a child with special needs, John tries to use his talent for writing to bring inspiration and hope to his readers.
For more information about John Will you can visit his website at the Writing Dad, Here and Facebook page Here.
Cover Photo: Benedetto Cristofani
Audio Coming Soon