Timothy and Isaac have a friend. For the sake of privacy, I’m going to call this friend Jake (not his real name). Jake is a little older than my sons, but they really like to play together. Most of the time. All three are avid video game players, and all three love to build with Legos. They also share something else in common: they all have special needs. Tim and Isaac’s needs have been discussed at length previously, and you can read those articles here. Jake has some sensory issues, and struggles to regulate his emotional responses. In short, when the boys are playing together, the possibility exists that the group will bump up against the needs of one of the boys, making that one boy uncomfortable.
“Let’s play Lego City Undercover,” Isaac says.
“Yeah, c’mon,” Tim says.
“Fine,” Jake says. He rolls his eyes enough that I can see it from across the room.
Jake drops his head, slumps his shoulders, and plunks down on the couch. He grabs the controller from the couch and starts loading the game. Tim and Isaac chatter incessantly while the game loads, getting louder as their impatience builds. As the boys get louder, Jake’s scowl grows deeper.
By the time the game loads, Jake’s face is a thundercloud. My boys, being often unobservant of others’ moods, start a little Lego-chant. “Compuper, compuper, I’m going to use the compuper,” (compuper is a word that a character says instead of ‘computer’, and the boys just love it). Jake makes a sound, “Grunphhhh,” and gets off the couch. He walks away, leaving the boys staring after him.
Tim looks at Jake, looks at Isaac, looks at me. “Why did he walk out, dad?” Tim asks me.
“Well, Tim,” I say, “you and Isaac were just too loud. You know that that bothers Jake sometimes.”
“Oh, yeah. I forgot,” Tim says.
“I know, buddy,” I say, “it’s easy to forget sometimes isn’t it?”
“I’m sorry, dad,” Tim says.
“Can we go hug Jake?” Isaac asks.
“Not right now,” I say.
“Why, daddy?” Isaac asks.
“You know how sometimes you just need to be alone?” I ask him.
“Well, Jake just needs some time alone to get his engine back to green.” (For resources on the Zones of Regulation, follow this link: http://www.zonesofregulation.com/index.html )
“Oh, yeah,” Isaac says.
He and Tim go back to playing Lego City Undercover, and after a few minutes alone, Jake comes back in a much better mood. The three boys move on from the incident as if it never happened. But this moment gets me thinking.
It is easy to become myopic in regards to the needs of my kids. I tend to hyper-focus on crafting an environment where my children can thrive without having to face the challenge of relating to other people. I so badly want ‘perfect’ for my kids, that I often overlook what the impact on the surrounding world will be. I’m that dad that at the park will intercede on behalf of my kids when someone cuts in line for the slide. While my intentions are good, there is no reason for me to jump in like that—the world we live in is one where my kids will need to know how to be patient, and have good social graces, even when those around them don’t.
When I watch Tim and Isaac with Jake, however, something changes. While all three boys have special needs, because Jake struggles with his emotions, when it comes to playful interactions, it is his needs that are the most important to address. When we play with Jake, we always remind our boys that we need to give Jake a little space, and we need to respect it when he needs to be alone.
I am grateful for Jake, because he is helping me become a better parent and a better person. A better parent, because Jake is giving me the opportunity to teach my boys to have empathy, and to be sympathetic to the challenges faced by others. A better person, because Jake reminds me that my selfish impulses in regards to my kids are ugly (if well-intentioned), and teach them the wrong lessons about life.
Having play dates between my boys and Jake is not an easy thing. We have to make sure that all three boys are respectful of each others’ needs and are patient with each others’ shortcomings. My boys love Jake, but are sometimes disappointed when their friend doesn’t live up to their expectations. Sometimes, I wish that all three boys were typical, and that we didn’t have to craft the play environment for them if we want the play date to be a success. But then I remember that these three boys are tremendously special, and love each other deeply, and are teaching each other life lessons I’d never be able to. I’m grateful for Jake, and I’m even grateful for the challenges he faces, because he gives my children the chance to learn and grow in meaningful ways. I’m grateful that Tim and Isaac are kind and loving, and are willing to do whatever they can to help Jake have fun when they are together.
Mostly, I am grateful that my sons have a friend that they love, and that the three boys get to grow up together. It doesn’t get much better than that.
As the proud father of three children, as well as an MFA graduate and published author, John spends most of his time trying to balance the demands of being a writer and a parent all at once. Most of the time, it’s an uphill battle. As the parent of a child with special needs, John tries to use his talent for writing to bring inspiration and hope to his readers.
For more information about John Will you can visit his website at the Writing Dad, Here and Facebook page Here.
Cover Photo: Jun Cen