“Tim. Timothy. TIMOTHY!”
This call has become the standard in our home. When Tim was about a year old, we figured out that he has a three-second processing delay. In other words, it takes him almost three seconds to process and react to whatever information he is presented with. It also means that getting his attention can be challenging, even under the best of circumstances.
Most of the time, this processing delay is just part of his routine, and we try to build extra time into his schedule to accommodate this issue. But sometimes, this delay can be very problematic. Take for example, crossing the road on a bike. As a six year-old, Tim knows to look both ways before he crosses a street, but being six, doesn’t always do a great job. There have been many times where I’ve seen a car coming toward Tim as he blissfully rides his bike down the road. I start yelling frantically for him to stop, hoping that I’ve seen the car early enough to get his attention, for him to process the command, and stop his bike.
These moments are terrifying for me. And when I get scared, I tend to lecture. I’ll talk with Tim about the situation, and remind him, again, of how we need to handle bike safety. And he’ll look at me with an expression of unconcern, because, to him, nothing happened. His response usually frustrates me, and my lecture spirals into a mess of grumpy father and confused kid. Sometimes, I find myself asking him, “Why can’t you stop your bike when I yell for you to stop?”
And then I deflate. I’ve forgotten that Tim can’t comply with my instructions any faster than he did, because that’s just as fast as his brain can process the information. And I’ve yelled at him for something that he can’t control—a physical challenge that he cannot overcome, even if he would wish to. So I just yelled at my son, for one of his special needs.
Friends, this is crushing moment in the life of any parent of a child with special needs. We forget, for just a minute, that our child has different needs and challenges than other children, and try to hold them to a typical standard. And then we get angry because we have forgotten this most basic of facts, and react poorly. That leads to guilt over the poor reaction, which can lead to more anger, and we spiral.
It is a hard truth to realize that there will come a point when we forget our child’s need, and we will react poorly in that moment. But, it does make sense. Even though my son has special needs, to me, special needs is not his identifier. His identifier is, “Tim”. Just Tim. The life he leads is our normal, and so I tend to forget that his challenges aren’t what the rest of the world is facing. And pretty much the only time I ever see his needs is when his needs make interacting with the world hard or unsafe.
The anger that I sometimes feel when confronted with these scenarios isn’t directed at Tim, although he can be the recipient of my lecturing. No, the anger I feel is the generalized, sourceless anger at the universe for making life hard for my son, and my inability to do anything about it. We have worked so hard to build a life for Tim where he doesn’t need to feel the burden of his special needs and challenges, but in these moments, I am forced to remember that no matter how hard I try, I am not in control of the world. It is the lack of control that scares me the most, and makes me angry. Unfortunately, since Tim is present at these times, I try to reassert control by lecturing him over and over.
I wish I could say this never happens, and I wish I could say that I never feel helpless in these situations, but the reality is that, these things do happen, and when they do, I feel helpless. I also wish I could say that this is all ok, but I’m Tim’s dad, and he deserves better than that.
If you, dear friends, ever go through something like this, while I can’t tell you that it’s ok, I can tell you that it is normal, and that you are not alone. When it happens, we need to pick ourselves up, brush off the dust, ask our child to forgive us, and move forward, doing a better job next time.
Forgetting your child’s need is one of the harshest realities we will face, but they are our children, and they deserve better. We owe it to them to try, but we owe it to ourselves to forgive ourselves when we fail.
As the proud father of three children, as well as an MFA graduate and published author, John spends most of his time trying to balance the demands of being a writer and a parent all at once. Most of the time, it’s an uphill battle. As the parent of a child with special needs, John tries to use his talent for writing to bring inspiration and hope to his readers.
For more information about John Will you can visit his website at the Writing Dad, Here and Facebook page Here.
Cover Photo: Naranjasy Zapatos