Original work from our Writers, Guest Bloggers and Freelancers
Viewing entries in
Writer
The thoughts and fears that are easily ignored in the brightness of sunshine are waiting for you under the cover of darkness, lurking in shadowy corners, poised to strike. There’s nowhere for you to hide, and so you must suffer in silence, on your back, in your bed, staring at the ceiling with wide, itchy eyes.
Born with a chronic gastrointestinal (stomach) disease I was constantly fighting a daily battle to keep my spirits up and not succumb to the thoughts and emotions that always threatened to overwhelm me. Texting was like a lifeline for me. It made me realize I wasn’t alone and there were people out there who loved and cared for me.
As I've progressed through this disease I've come to learn many different things, things that no one told me to expect. Things that have shocked me and shaken me to my core, but through all these things I've grown stronger as a person and that is the reason I am who I am now. So I thought I'd take a minute and share some of things with you, in case you too are struggling with a chronic disease, so that you can use the information to better your life.
Although the switch of terms was a positive move toward the future, gender dysphoria still negatively affects many people worldwide. People that experience gender dysphoria have higher rates of mental illness that include: mood/anxiety disorders, depression, schizophrenia, substance abuse and suicide attempts.
Before I realized I had social anxiety, I just called it “being embarrassed”. Suddenly, for a reason I couldn’t figure out, things that I had no problem doing before were now shameful or humiliating to me. I was too “embarrassed” to order fast food. I was too “embarrassed” to go into a store and buy clothes. I was too “embarrassed” to make phone calls to people outside of my family.
After I received the G-J tube I spent about a month in the hospital. I was released, but returned a week later for dehydration. The next stay also lasted a month. I was out of the hospital for about four months and was then readmitted that January. When I was released the first week of February I thought my hospital stays were over, but sadly I was once again admitted about a week later. As I mentioned above I was heart broken and didn't want to see another hospital room, but I reluctantly agreed to the admission.
When I go to a cash register to check out I watch as the cashier’s eyes stayed glued to my chest instead of my face as I try to talk to them. I try to ignore the stares. I try to pretend that they aren’t staring openly at me. I try to act normal, but it’s hard. Sometimes I just want to blurt out, it’s called a port and it’s keeping me alive. If you have any questions please ask them, but please just stop staring at me and acting weird or embarrassed about it.
Many ask if it was possible for me to be born without my disease would I chose that? My response may surprise you, but I would say no. I've prayed for many years that God could use the bad of my disease to bring good to others and I have begun to see that being played out. If I hadn't suffered first I would never understand someone else's suffering to the extent I do. There are countless lives I never would have had the opportunity to touch if I didn't have my disease.
Because of you gastroparesis, I know what it is like to suffer and be in pain and therefore I am able to empathize with people on a different level. I have developed an incredible passion for the medical field. A passion that was sparked at a young age. I want to be able to help others who are suffering because I know what it’s like.
I went through the next couple of years dealing with the pain associated with eating. Then in July of 2011 things took a turn for the worse. I would eat a meal at night and the next morning would still be full. I usually went for a run each morning. Sometimes that helped the food move through, but other times I would vomit food, from the night before, at noon the next day. I was confused, but didn't say anything at first. I didn't want them to treat me for an eating disorder again. I thought I was past all that. Eventually I couldn't keep silent anymore.
