ISSUE 49•36 • Sep 6, 2013 ITHACA, NY—Citing a range of behavior that experts could only describe as “profoundly disturbed,” a new study released by Cornell University’s psychology department Thursday revealed that most otherwise normal people transform into complete psychotics when alone in the confines of their own homes.

The study, conducted in the households of millions of Americans over an 11-month period, states that from the moment the average person sets foot inside their front door, they begin exhibiting wildly unhinged mannerisms, including loudly talking to themselves; suddenly snapping their fingers for brief, three-to-five-second bursts for no reason whatsoever; and walking into their bathrooms, staring into the mirror, inflating their cheeks while making a grotesque face, and then leaving as if what they did was completely normal.

Read the full article at the Onion